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I logged into Second Life yesterday and started getting Im's from friends who had not known about Irene's death yet. I told them and I got a lot of support. These are online friends I have known for years. Some were even mad that I had not let them support me this whole time. I explained that I had tried to log in, but it was too painful. They understood. Sometimes when I am taking about it, I do not know what word to use, death, passed. I mean what word do you use? My grief counselor says just use what I need to at the time. It's still very difficult to accept all this. I just do not understand why a 34-year-old beautiful loving woman has to die so young. She wanted to live so bad. She fought like hell. She went through chemo, radiation, all those horrible treatments. Before she got so sick in her 20's Irene was a ballerina. She shared with me videos of her dancing. She was amazing. Then cancer visited her again and she had to stop dancing. The first time she got diagnosed was when she was 15 years old. She had some rare childhood cancer. She was not supposed to live to her 20's. But she did. So, she had been fighting cancer a long time. I saw how this girl named Nightbird was on American's got talent. She was fighting cancer too. She had to drop out of the show. This past week she died. She was beautiful like Irene. This is the song she sang on AMG. A song she gave to the world. Irene knew about her. Irene would tell me all the time 'It's going to be ok.' That she will always be here. She tried so hard to stay. If you do not know about Nightbird's story, look it up on YouTube. It's worth it.
I'm sorry brother please take time and heal all wounds I know it's hard, but it will get better soon.
17:48 Feb 17 2022 Times Read: 633
So, Valentine's Day came and went. I made it through it. I have times I am living my life and doing what I need to do when all of a sudden it will hit me, and I feel like there is a 6-inch sharp blade being plunged into the depths of my soul. At these times, I am missing her, and my brain is screaming that she died. I will take a deep breath suck in air and pull a memory of her out. The one I like the most is how we always finished each other sentences and this started happening around our 2nd month together. It was funny. We would message each other the same sentences. Sometimes I am not sure I can do this. I will think about her and start crying. Then I will say to myself, what would she want me to do? Then I have those moments when I am so angry at her. She promised me she would be ok. That she would not leave me. She tried so hard to live. She did everything the doctors said to do. Month after month after month... operations, chemo, radiation, more chemo, another operation, this new drug, that new drug. over and over and over. She wanted so much to live! I wanted her to live. Her son wanted her to live. Her family... her friends... and, she died. I want to make sense of it all. How do you make sense of it all? We had plans, REAL plans. This year I was going back to Greece. Yeah, we can travel again! But... now, there is no reason. I get this lump in my throat and the back of my throat becomes tight and that is when I am fighting to hold the tears back. I pick up my paintbrush and I paint.
I paint us when we are an old couple walking hand in hand to our small cottage in Greece:
I paint the Autumn trees and skies you love so much:
And I paint.
Now I am working on Mogy's and a friend here painting. She wants a weeping willow tree painting, and it is going to be fun to do both of these.
I know you tried so hard to stay with me. It's not your fault at all. Remember the day before you died when I said to you it was, ok? I told you it was ok to rest. I told you it was going to be ok, and you said you were afraid. I told you not to be afraid that we will always be together. I told you I was afraid too. I love you, Irene. I miss you.
Yours is almost done Mogy! Really like how it is coming out. I will post a picture soon of it.
Oh so Beautiful hun....you are a amazing talent and love how you speak with your heart in your paintings....that is what supposed to be in painting...you do not paint with your brush but your heart and soul.
*hugs* I would just like to way WOW to those paintings... you can really tell that your heart was in them as you painted them. I love them both but my favorite of the two is the sunset, because I LOVE sunsets.
Last night was the first time since Liliancat (Irene) passed that I dreamed about her. The dream was I was asleep, and she woke me up. I do not even remember if she nudged me or what. I woke up in my dream and looked at her and I felt her, saw her. That is all I remember from the dream. I have been logging into Second Life to tell our friends there. It brings back all those memories of what we did in the game. I guess I feel closer to her there in a way. Not sure what to take from the dream. I promised her I would keep going on so maybe I should take from it she wants me to wake up now and get up and live. I hope I dream more about her now. I have been trying since last week. I am painting again. Trying hard to be me again.
I dreamt about both my parents after they passed. I dreamt about my Mom right before she passed from cancer at that point she had been really sick three months later she passed after the dream. That dream was a good dream though. I was with her and she was happy, she got her hair back and she even looked a younger version of herself. The funny thing is we were some place really bright. I know everyone believes differently but I feel I was seeing her in the place were people go when they pass. It was a calm and peaceful dream and it gave me a lot of peace about the whole thing. Anyway..dreaming about someone you have lost is normal I guess that was my whole point in writing this. *hugs* I’m sorry for your loss.
I picked up the paintbrush again the other day. It still needs some tweaking. Irene loved the forests so I painted her a path. I shared this with a friend here and am posting it here too.
I could see us walking hand in hand down that path always together.
It's still surreal to me she is gone. This is the first week I have started to buckle up and live again. I have not really posted much here. It's hard to put my feelings into words. Also, I do not want to bring anyone down. That is just how I am. I finally logged into Second Life to tell her friends there that she died. Most knew her cancer had come back. It was a hard thing to do but I got it done. They want to do a memorial for her next week in Second Life. I said sure.
Life goes on, doesn't it? The sun will rise. People will wake up and live their day. She always made me promise to be happy. To get plenty of rest and to live. So, ok, Irene, here I go one foot in front of the other.
I can paint again. Listen to music. I will honor Liliancat by doing what she asked of me. To live...
Still though...FUCK CANCER!
Her last message to me. She passed the next day. I was so scared because she was in so much pain.
Irene, 8:37 AM
Ok hun do t worry
All be ok
I love you to the moon and way back
Always
And forever
Irene, I love you to the moon and back always and forever. Thank you for the amazing 7 years.
I wish I could say something that would comfort you during this time, but words just do not seem to be adequate. Please know that my entire family is praying for you and for Irene's family as well.
COMMENTS
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LORDMOGY
18:33 Feb 26 2022
BookofWorks
20:46 Feb 26 2022
I seen and heard her sing she was a wonderful singer and beautiful soul that also left too soon.
BloodCravings
18:08 Feb 27 2022
I'm sorry brother please take time and heal all wounds I know it's hard, but it will get better soon.